Diary "Beginning My Journey"

This morning I woke up from a dream; a dream that took place 6 years ago when I was in high school and weighed a hefty 200 pounds, or so I thought at the time… When I woke up all I could think was, “I wish I could go back to the days of weighing only 200 pounds.”

Ever since I can remember I have always been a little chunky, luckily I have also always been quite tall (5’ 11” to be exact) so gaining a little weight here and there was never obvious to anyone else but myself. Up until the 9^th grade I was extremely active, I walked 30 minutes to and from school everyday, I played basketball and volleyball, I was in my 5^th year of modern jazz and I participated in physical education classes in school. Then, in the 9^th grade, while playing volleyball against my school team’s rival, I jumped straight up to make a block, came down on an angle, heard a pop and fell to the ground in pure agony; I tore my left ACL (anterior cruciate ligament). I immediately went from being a healthy, active 15 year old girl to being a lazy couch potato. I had to wait 3 months for my knee surgery, following my surgery I had 6 months of rehabilitation, in that time I could barely walk let alone do anything physical. Because of my injury I had to quit dance, I wasn’t able to join any of my school sports, I didn’t participate in any physical education classes and I drove to school everyday.

I continued my unhealthy eating habits while being inactive and like clock work the pounds started piling on. Since 2003, when I saw my first stretch mark, till now (February 2011) I have been “on a diet” and in that time I have gain 110 pounds.

Since graduating high school I’ve had some amazing life experiences, all while being overweight. Recently though I’ve went from being overweight and still enjoying life, to being obese and losing all motivation and joy for living. Now I’m at a place in my life I never knew could exist. For the first time I don’t wake up smiling, I think about food every waking hour and I avoid mirrors and cameras like the plague. I’m ashamed, embarrassed, and sickened by my body. These are harsh words to say but after dieting for 9 years I have built up a lot of anger and hate for myself. I’m disappointed I’ve let myself get to this point, I never saw it coming. I’ve had positive results after pushing myself to be on strict diets and exercise routines in the past but as always, week 3 comes around and I fall right back to where I was before the diet. Failure after failure does not help with confidence and motivation.

I’ve hit a fork in the road. Either I can continue the path I’m on which will lead to depression, dangerous heath issues, complete lack of social life and ultimately losing the man I love. OR I can vow to make positive changes and get my life back on track, toward the future I wished for myself; full of passion, friends, excitement, love and self worth.

I’m going to document every step of my journey; I want to inspire people to make the same positive changes I’m making and to love themselves again. I’m extremely lucky to have a man in my life who loves me unconditionally. The support he gives me is the main reason I’m now ready to take the first step in my journey to be healthy. Doing it alone is impossible, I owe this to myself but I also owe my man, he deserves to be in the love with the best me I can give him.

This is my time...